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When I talk to people, my eyes focus on their mouth, not their eyes. It's automatic, it’s just something I’ve always done, and until recently I never even questioned it. For me, it’s just always been the default.
I grew up in a cult, a small, controlling religious group where questioning anything wasn't allowed and every move you made was watched and measured. Eyes were never neutral there. They were where judgment landed. I realize now that focusing on the mouth became the safer place to rest my attention.
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But when I feel threatened, the game changes, my eyes come out, and they come out swinging.
I was fifteen or sixteen when my girlfriend asked her mother if I could stay the night on their couch, because the honest truth was that the only other option I had was the street. Her mother leaned forward and started asking questions, one after another, her eyes locked on mine the entire time.
My mind had already gone solid, a survival mechanism built over years of people in the cult trying to break into it almost daily. She kept asking questions, certain, the way adults always are with kids, that just by asking uncomfortable questions she could put pressure on me. I had been the victim of intense interrogation infront of hundreds of people many times. I built up a real solid defense. She was pushing me with questions, trying to read me. I saw a strange expression on her face. She realized that I didn’t look uncomfortable. I wasn’t looking away, but that I was looking at her with intense confidence and I felt that confidence. But partway through, I saw her expression change again. she realized she wasn't reading me. I was reading her. Reading deep. She looked really uncomfortable.
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Of course her answer was no, but I knew it would be, and I wasn’t sad. I just left and slept where I could.
I thought about that today.
I wonder if you’ve ever noticed where you focus when someone speaks.
Do you notice?
That's the split I still carry. The mouth is where I rest. The eyes are where I fight.
- Neon